It’s so hard to market and advertise a feature film, but so easy to parody all that creative effort. Without further ado, I present my list of Summer Feature Films, re-titled, re-tagged and otherwise re-imagined.
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 2007
TAGLINE GOOFS
SHREK THE TURD
Ordure in the Court
SPIDER MONKEY 3
They’re cute; They’re cuddly; They have eight, hairy arms
HARRY POTTER AND THE ODOR OF PHONICS
Reading stinks!
BOUILLABASSE (aka Ratatouille; aka Vichyssois)
I smell a rat.
(Alt lines: Waiter, there’s a rat in my soup
Rat: the other white meat
Rat: It’s what’s for dinner
It’s on your mind, it’s in your soup, it’s rat.)
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK E. CHEESE
Friends with Benefits
(Alt: Children, not included.)
OSHA THIRTEEN
Never Gamble With Worker Safety!
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILLY SURFER
It’s not a swell;
It’s a Tsunami
ENOUGH ALREADY (AKA: EVAN ALMIGHTY or NOAH REDUX)
It’s raining stupid
(Alt: I’m gonna go out and let myself get/Absolutely soaking wet )
TRANNY-FORMERS
Pre-op is annihilating
LIVE FREE OR DIEHARD
On Sale Now at Sears.
UNDERDAWG
Bitch got my cape
28 WEEKS LATER
Don’t open the fridge.
THE SIMPSON’S MOVIE
When Jessica Met OJ
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 2008
POSTER TAGLINES GOOFS
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
His ass just went condo
KUNG PAO PANDA
It’s delicious
It’s Illegal
It’s for lunch
YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE LOHAN
This is Ann-Margret on Steroids
[alt: YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
He’s got a blowdryer
And he knows how to use it
He’s got Anthony Pellicano
On speed Dial. ]
STEP BROTHERS
Brother from another mother
[alt: Two boys
Two baby mamas]
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Happens in Pintos
But without rear-impact explosions
THE HOUSE BUNNY
A film the ASPCA doesn’t want you to see.
[alt: A love that dare not speak it’s name]
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
Indy battles
Meth Heads
Of the Inland Empire
SECTS AND THE CITY
Urban fundamentalists
SPEED RACER
When you take drugs, nobody wins!
GET SMART
I’m with Stupid
THE DARK KNIGHT
Welcome to a world without Heath..
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
Going Down?
[alt: Getting warmer?
Fasten your seat belts.
It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Next Stop, Shanghai.
Open the door
Visit the Core. ]
SON OF RIMBAUD [SON OF RAMBO]
When your father’s
A French, Decadent, Symbolist Poet
You have a right to be angry.
THE LOVE GURU
Sex Workers of the World Unite
WALL E
He’s waited seven hundred years
For a lube job.
TROPIC THUNDER
More Beans with your rice?
HELLBOY II
He takes after his father.
SWING VOTE
Pull your lever for Hill and Bill
MAMMA MIA
Life after Woody
With 9 adopted children
THE X FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
They’re still really out there.
Summer Blockbusters – 2009 – Alternate Taglines
HANNAH MONTANA MOVIE
10x More effective than Waterboarding
They don’t hate us for our freedom.
G-FORCE
Do not insert at home
Richard Gere, Not included
They really hit the spot!
ANGELS AND DEMONS
Paradise Lost
Vatican Gained
X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
A weasel by any other name
Still smells as rank.
A ferocious, gluttonous, stinking weasel
Coming to a theatre near you.
They call him
Skunk Bear & Nasty Cat–
Just not to his face.
It’s not nice
To fool
With Mother Nature.
Pirates 1
Mutants 0
STAR TREK XI
10 sequels later
The future
Is history.
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM II: ESCAPE FROM THE SMITHSONIAN
If only the exhibits came to life when we visited.
Spend the evening in America’s attic.
TRANSFORMERS II: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
When it’s time to change
You’ve got to rearrange.
Lie in your own filth for a few days
And see how you feel.
It’s payback time
For Mrs. Fletcher*
* Star of the Med-Alert Commercials, ‘I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”
PUBLIC ENEMAS (PUBLIC ENEMIES)
Some people say they’re funny
But I think they’re rather runny.
BRUNO
Seig Heil, Sexy.
Sexual anarchist;
Fashion Terrorist;
Body fascist
Austrian Boy Broadcasting
Deliciously Un-American
HARRY POTTER AND THE ½ BLOOD PRINCE
Fighting anemia,
One Royal at a time.
IMAGINE THAT
What if Your daughter’s closet
Was the Secret of your wardrobe?
ICE AGE III (Dawn of the dinosaurs)
Baby it’s cold out there.
Time to defrost the Nordge
UP 3d
U P
I P
We all P
In 3d
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123
The fare
Just went up.
Go Subway
& Leave the Driving to us.
GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA
The all new army of one…
He’s rough;
He’s tough;
He’s a sex-offender
With a 9th grade education!
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 2011
Taglines the clients just weren’t ready for….
THE HANGOVER 2
It’s the mixer
That gets you.
Sometimes
It’s better to puke
This is coyote ugly.
THOR
To him
Everything looks like a nail
Oscars are great
Benjamins are better
Good God!
GILF
It’s Hammer Time!
THE TREE OF LIFE
Palme D’Or
Bitches!
Talk to the Palme!
[Series of posters featuring each cast member with appropriate copy]
I’m a branch
I’m a leaf
I’m the trunk
I’m the roots
I’m the bark
I’m the flower
CARS 2
Get up in our grill
Four Wheels
And Flies
*No CO2 was emitted in the making of this movie
Pay at the Pump
SCREAM 4
This time
It’s Courtney
Who’s Scaring Us
New Decade
Old Fans
Everyone’s a little hoarse.
BRIDESMAIDS
Let them wear teal!
Proud Participants
In the Traffic in Women
A father gives
A husband takes
The best man bears the ring
And we bear the resentment
CAPTAIN AMERICA: the First Avenger
To you it’s a flag
To him it’s an outfit!
Real Justice
Breaks laws.*
*”The flag should never be used as wearing apparel.”
US Code: Title 4, Chapter, Section 8 d)
KUNG FU PANDA: THE KABOOM OF DOOM (I.E. KF2)
Fat
Hairy
Hero
Follow your palette
FAST FIVE
Speed Kills
GREEN LANTERN
(It’s the bulbs, actually)
Hornet Who?
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART II
Is it over?
The End Ends
(You’ve been very patient.
Now give us your money)
Get in line.
COWBOYS AND ALIENS
A new frontier
In Saddle Sore.
The Indians’ People Passed
Houston
We have a problem
Shootout
At the Area 51 Corral
THE SMURFS 3D
Smurf you!
Just Smurf it!
Smurf Off.
Smurfalicious!
SILF
SPY KIDS 4: All the time in the world
Call Child Protective Services
Next time
Try Contraception.
It’s never too soon
For boarding school!
SKANK ROBBERS
It’s where the money isn’t
They give
Exploitation
A bad name.
XMEN FIRST CLASS
You never forget
Your first friend
And worst enemy
BAD TEACHER
A Mind is a terrible thing to waste
You get what you pay for.
She’s got tenure
Even the burnouts
Hate her.
There is no substitute
MR. POPPERS PENGUINS
Contrary to appearances
They make terrible pets.
He’s got a pest problem.
On ice
(Like his career)
ZOOKEEPER
Welcome to his jungle
Don’t just talk to the animals
Listen!
Rattle your cage!
Exhibit this!
HORRIBLE BOSSES
They don’t do it for free.
Is there another kind?
Blame the employees.
Recognize anybody?
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
It’s Who you call at Midnite
When you’re drunk.
Scratch my back
I scratch yours.
30 MINUTES OR LESS
Or your next film is free.
Men are like pizzas
It takes 29 minutes to find your house
And one to deliver.
SUPER 8
So scary
They had to shoot it on film.
Great Rooms
Great Locations
Great Prices!
(Oh, wait…Not the motel?)
FINAL DESTINATION 5
How much further?
Are we there yet?
Please Exit to your right.
It depends on what “Final” Means.
movietrailers101 by Fred Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.