Summer Blockbuster tagline goofs

It’s so hard to market and advertise a feature film, but so easy to parody all that creative effort.  Without further ado, I present my list of Summer  Feature Films, re-titled, re-tagged and otherwise re-imagined. 

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 2007

TAGLINE GOOFS

SHREK THE TURD

Ordure in the Court

SPIDER MONKEY 3

They’re cute; They’re cuddly; They have eight, hairy arms

HARRY POTTER AND THE ODOR OF PHONICS

Reading stinks!

BOUILLABASSE  (aka  Ratatouille;   aka Vichyssois)

I smell a rat.

(Alt lines:  Waiter, there’s a rat in my soup

Rat: the other white meat

Rat:  It’s what’s for dinner

It’s on your mind, it’s in your soup, it’s rat.)

 

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK E. CHEESE

Friends with Benefits

(Alt: Children, not included.)

 

OSHA THIRTEEN

Never Gamble With Worker Safety!

 

FANTASTIC FOUR:  RISE OF THE SILLY SURFER

It’s not a swell;

It’s a Tsunami

 

ENOUGH ALREADY (AKA: EVAN ALMIGHTY or NOAH REDUX)

It’s raining stupid

(Alt: I’m gonna go out and let myself get/Absolutely soaking wet  )

 

TRANNY-FORMERS

Pre-op is annihilating

 

LIVE FREE OR DIEHARD

On Sale Now at Sears.

 

UNDERDAWG

Bitch got my cape

 

28 WEEKS LATER

Don’t open the fridge.

 

THE SIMPSON’S MOVIE

When Jessica Met OJ

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 2008
POSTER TAGLINES GOOFS

THE INCREDIBLE HULK
His ass just went condo

KUNG PAO PANDA
It’s delicious
It’s Illegal
It’s for lunch

YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE LOHAN
This is Ann-Margret on Steroids

[alt: YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
He’s got a blowdryer
And he knows how to use it

He’s got Anthony Pellicano
On speed Dial. ]

STEP BROTHERS
Brother from another mother

[alt: Two boys
Two baby mamas]

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Happens in Pintos
But without rear-impact explosions

 

THE HOUSE BUNNY
A film the ASPCA doesn’t want you to see.

[alt: A love that dare not speak it’s name]

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
Indy battles
Meth Heads
Of the Inland Empire

SECTS AND THE CITY
Urban fundamentalists

SPEED RACER
When you take drugs, nobody wins!

GET SMART
I’m with Stupid

THE DARK KNIGHT
Welcome to a world without Heath..

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
Going Down?
[alt: Getting warmer?

Fasten your seat belts.
It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Next Stop, Shanghai.

Open the door
Visit the Core. ]

SON OF RIMBAUD   [SON OF RAMBO]
When your father’s
A French, Decadent, Symbolist Poet
You have a right to be angry.

THE LOVE GURU
Sex Workers of the World Unite

WALL E
He’s waited seven hundred years
For a lube job.

TROPIC THUNDER
More Beans with your rice?

HELLBOY II
He takes after his father.

SWING VOTE

Pull your lever for Hill and Bill

MAMMA MIA
Life after Woody
With 9 adopted children

THE X FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
They’re still really out there.

Summer Blockbusters – 2009  – Alternate Taglines

HANNAH MONTANA MOVIE

10x More effective than Waterboarding

They don’t hate us for our freedom.

G-FORCE

Do not insert at home

Richard Gere, Not included

They really hit the spot!

 

ANGELS AND DEMONS

Paradise Lost

Vatican Gained

 

X-MEN ORIGINS:  WOLVERINE

A weasel by any other name

Still smells as rank.

 

A ferocious, gluttonous, stinking weasel

Coming to a theatre near you.

 

They call him

Skunk Bear & Nasty Cat–

Just not to his face.

 

It’s not nice

To fool

With Mother Nature.

 

Pirates 1

Mutants  0

 

STAR TREK XI

10 sequels later

The future

Is history.

 

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM II:  ESCAPE FROM THE SMITHSONIAN

If only the exhibits came to life when we visited.

 

Spend the evening in America’s attic.

 

TRANSFORMERS II:  REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

When it’s time to change

You’ve got to rearrange.

 

Lie in your own filth for a few days

And see how you feel.

 

It’s payback time

For Mrs. Fletcher*

* Star of the Med-Alert Commercials, ‘I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”

 

PUBLIC ENEMAS (PUBLIC ENEMIES)

Some people say they’re funny

But I think they’re rather runny.

 

BRUNO

Seig Heil, Sexy.

 

Sexual anarchist;

Fashion Terrorist;

Body fascist

 

Austrian Boy Broadcasting

 

Deliciously Un-American

 

HARRY POTTER AND THE ½ BLOOD PRINCE

Fighting anemia,

One Royal at a time.

 

IMAGINE THAT

What if Your daughter’s closet

Was the Secret of your wardrobe?

 

ICE AGE  III (Dawn of the dinosaurs)

Baby it’s cold out there.

 

Time to defrost the Nordge

 

UP 3d

U P

I P

We all P

In 3d

 

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123

The fare

Just went up.

 

Go Subway

& Leave the Driving to us.

 

GI JOE:  THE RISE OF COBRA

The all new army of one…

 

He’s rough;

He’s tough;

He’s a sex-offender

With a 9th grade education!


SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 2011

Taglines the clients just weren’t ready for….

THE HANGOVER 2

It’s the mixer
That gets you.

Sometimes
It’s better to puke

This is coyote ugly.

THOR

To him
Everything looks like a nail

Oscars are great
Benjamins are better

Good God!

GILF

It’s Hammer Time!

 

THE TREE OF LIFE

Palme D’Or
Bitches!

Talk to the Palme!

[Series of posters featuring each cast member with appropriate copy]

I’m a branch

I’m a leaf

I’m the trunk

I’m the roots

I’m the bark

I’m the flower

 

CARS 2

Get up in our grill

Four Wheels
And Flies

*No CO2 was emitted in the making of this movie

Pay at the Pump

 

SCREAM 4

This time
It’s Courtney
Who’s Scaring Us

New Decade
Old Fans

Everyone’s a little hoarse.

 

BRIDESMAIDS

Let them wear teal!

Proud Participants
In the Traffic in Women

A father gives
A husband takes
The best man bears the ring
And we bear the resentment

CAPTAIN AMERICA: the First Avenger

To you it’s a flag
To him it’s an outfit!

Real Justice
Breaks laws.*
*”The flag should never be used as wearing apparel.”
US Code: Title 4, Chapter, Section 8 d)

 

KUNG FU PANDA: THE KABOOM OF DOOM (I.E. KF2)

Fat
Hairy
Hero

Follow your palette

 

FAST FIVE

Speed Kills

 

GREEN LANTERN
(It’s the bulbs, actually)
Hornet Who?

 

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART II

Is it over?

The End Ends

(You’ve been very patient.
Now give us your money)

Get in line.

 

COWBOYS AND ALIENS

A new frontier
In Saddle Sore.

The Indians’ People Passed

Houston
We have a problem

Shootout
At the Area 51 Corral

 

THE SMURFS 3D

Smurf you!

Just Smurf it!

Smurf Off.

Smurfalicious!

SILF

 

SPY KIDS 4: All the time in the world

Call Child Protective Services

Next time
Try Contraception.

It’s never too soon
For boarding school!

 

SKANK ROBBERS

It’s where the money isn’t

They give
Exploitation
A bad name.

 

XMEN FIRST CLASS

You never forget
Your first friend
And worst enemy

 

BAD TEACHER

A Mind is a terrible thing to waste

You get what you pay for.

She’s got tenure

Even the burnouts
Hate her.

There is no substitute

 

MR. POPPERS PENGUINS

Contrary to appearances
They make terrible pets.

He’s got a pest problem.

On ice
(Like his career)

 

ZOOKEEPER

Welcome to his jungle

Don’t just talk to the animals
Listen!

Rattle your cage!

Exhibit this!

 

HORRIBLE BOSSES

They don’t do it for free.

Is there another kind?

Blame the employees.

Recognize anybody?

 

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

It’s Who you call at Midnite
When you’re drunk.

Scratch my back

I scratch yours.

30 MINUTES OR LESS

Or your next film is free.

Men are like pizzas
It takes 29 minutes to find your house
And one to deliver.

 

SUPER 8

So scary
They had to shoot it on film.

Great Rooms
Great Locations
Great Prices!
(Oh, wait…Not the motel?)

 

FINAL DESTINATION 5

How much further?

Are we there yet?

Please Exit to your right.

It depends on what “Final” Means.

 

Creative Commons License
movietrailers101 by Fred Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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