(The earnest sentimentality of Holiday Films demands saccharine copy, which is tough for copywriters, a notoriously snarky, cynical and anti-social bunch. Here are some lines inspired by and in reaction to the yearly orgy of serious, well-intentioned, family friendly and Oscar-hungry Holiday Films.)
Holiday Movie Taglines You Won’t Read on Any Poster
2007
LIONS FOR LAMBS
The petting Zoo
Has a problem
P2
The only thing worse than discovering you’re alone.
Is discovering you’ve forgotten where you parked
BEOWULF
Old English
For Ass Kicker
LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA
First, you get butterflies in your stomach
Then you shit yourself
And die.
REDACTED
Textual Criticism Is Alive and Well and Living in Hollywood
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
Wherever better school supplies are sold.
(Alt: You should see our ruler…)
THE WALKER
Old Girls
New Escorts
I AM LEGEND
He’s the last man Alive
And he still can’t get laid!
THE KITE RUNNER
Grab life by the tail.
SWEENEY TODD
If one more client requests a perm
(Alt: Want to buy a pie?)
WALK HARD
& Carry a big noodle…
ALIEN VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
The revenge of Lou Dobbs
I’M NOT THERE
(And neither is the audience)
CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR
Another Texan,
Another invasion
Another quagmire
THE WATER HORSE
(Sea Monkeys Not Included.)
RAMBO
He’s white,
He’s old,
He’s angry
& He’s back.
BEE MOVIE
It’s got buzz
& legs
2008
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
On Her Majesty’s Zoloft
[alt: Bond Loves; Bond Loses; Bond Emotes]
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Youth is wasted on the young.
[alt: Old Age is no place for babies.]
MARLEY AND ME
You’ll Laugh; you’ll cry; you’ll wet the carpet.
FROST / NIXON
An epic battle to spin the truth
[alt: Before Couric/ Palin
There was…..]
alt #2: Politics / Personality / History / Infotainment]
DEFIANCE
Save Soviet Jews
Collect ‘em
And trade ‘em with a Friend
THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PYJAMAS
Save Soviet Jews
Collect em
And trade ‘em with a friend.
[alt: Don’t let kids/ have kids.]
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL
Michael Rennie was ill…
[alt #2: Flash Gordon was there
In Silver underwear;
alt: #3 When Worlds Collide
Said George Powell to his Bride
I’m gonna give you some terrible thrills…
alt: #4 Science Fiction / Double Feature]
YES MAN
One word
Can open
A can of whoop-ass
[Alt: His eyes are blue
His nose is brown. ]
GRAN TORINO
What if Fiat made a car and called it the Big Detroit.
AUSTRALIA
A daring Aristocrat
A World at War
A 2000 Mile Walkabout
BOLT
A hero is house trained.
MILK
Nothing goes down better with a Twinkie.
[alt: The Twinkie Made me do it
[alt #2 Lactose intolerance]
THE READER
Before IM’ing
Before Paging
Before Texting
Before Twittering
There were books
This is a story of those who booked.
SEVEN POUNDS
They’re the hardest ones to lose
[alt: Seven Days,
Seven resolutions
Seven excuses
alt: #2 Seven Days,
Seven Diets;
Seven Lies
CHANGELING
Who moved my child?
BROTHERS BLOOM
The Con Is On.
[alt: #1 Meet the Most Confident Men
In the Business
Alt: #2 Specializing
In the Art of confidence
Alt #3 In the World of Fakes
They’re the real thing.
Alt #4 Even Confidence men
Have doubts.
Alt: #5 Deception Daily]
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
[alts # 1-12: Insurgent Avenue
Insurrection Row
Coup D’Etat Court
Junta Highway
Putsch Parkway
Terrorist Terrace
Factious Freeway
Anarchist Alley
Mutiny Mews
Radical Route
Avante-garde boulevard
Leftist Lane]
ROLE MODEL
Mental Mentors
[Alt: Alternate sentencing
Is not working. ]
THE WRESTLER
Randy the Ram
Vs. The Ayatollah
Smack Down
Grudge Match
Documentary
NOTORIOUS
Adventurous man of the world!
Notorious Woman of many Desires!
Fateful Fascination! Bold Intrigue!
Deep their love! Great the risk!
Electric Tension!
The screen’s top romantic stars in a melodramatic masterpiece!
* (original taglines from the 1950 Classic)
BEDTIME STORIES
Once Upon a Time
Adam Sandler Made Comedies.
[alt: Inspired by Madonna]
DOUBT
Who would believe such a thing.
CHE
Sera, Sera
[alt: The Man, the Movement, the Poster (t-shirt)]
2010
Holiday Films Tagline Rejects
BURLESQUE
Thanks
Spanx™
This stage
Isn’t big enough
For both of them
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS
School’s
Out
Forever!
The Gravy Train
Nears the Station
Life Sucks
And then you leave Hogwarts
THE KING’S SPEECH
A true story
Of a royal impediment
Stutter
Stammer
Stumble
Sputter
Splutter
Squeak
FASTER
Never Say Diet
God wants you
To lose weight
LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
O.D.
Can you really afford
Rehab?
TANGLED
It’s a Weave
They’re extensions
BLACK SWAN
Don’t feed the birds
Tutu much
I LOVE YOU PHILIP MORRIS
No ifs
Ands
Or butts.
A match made in prison
CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
This time
They’re really out to sea.
It’s good to be the kings
THE COMPANY MEN
The Wages of Sin
Paid Weekly
I’m with Dilbert
THE TEMPEST
When it rains
It pours.
Shakespeare
On the Beach
FRANKIE AND ALICE
She’s mental
For the Academy
Oscar Bait
HOW DO YOU KNOW
Ask Jeeves ™
Google™ it.
RABBIT HOLE
Crawl in
Going down
Ass over elbows
TRON LEGACY
He was hoping
For cash
In the beginning
Was Pong.
Enter the game
The game enters you.
YOGI BEAR
Please don’t feed the bears
Welcome to Jellystone
Hold on to your hamper.
LITTLE FOCKERS
What’s the matter with kids today?
Another generation
Another suggestive homophone
GULLIVERS TRAVELS
See the world
Beneath your feet
As if you needed
Another reason
To stay home
TRUE GRIT
You know it
When you feel it.
Real as dirt.
Corn
Not Wheat.
THE WAY BACK
No crumbs
No money
No welcome
Behind the beyond.
Pass the middle back
And keep going.
BLUE VALENTINE
Your reservation’s lost
The babysitter’s ill
Someone forgot
To get a card
Dandelions
Dove Bars
And Drive Through.
THE NUTCRACKER IN 3D
Dance belt sold separately.
Leap higher
MEGAMIND
Big head
Big brain
Big trouble
It’s not the shape of the skull
But the size of the brain
MORNING GLORY
Rise with the sun.
Wake with a smile
Sleep hard
Wake easy
FOR COLORED GIRLS
In 3D Synesthesia
In 20 fashion hues
THE TOURIST
No Fluency
No Vacancy
No Currency
Porn scans
Genital touching–
It’s no vacation
DUE DATE
Infanticipating
A road trip
For babies
movietrailers101 by Fred Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.