Holiday movie copy goofs

(The earnest sentimentality of Holiday Films demands saccharine copy, which is tough for copywriters, a notoriously snarky, cynical and anti-social bunch. Here are some lines inspired by and in reaction to the yearly orgy of serious, well-intentioned, family friendly and Oscar-hungry Holiday Films.)

Holiday Movie Taglines You Won’t Read on Any Poster

2007

LIONS FOR LAMBS

The petting Zoo

Has a problem

 

P2

The only thing worse than discovering you’re alone.

Is discovering you’ve forgotten where you parked

 

BEOWULF

Old English

For Ass Kicker

 

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA

First, you get butterflies in your stomach

Then you shit yourself

And die.

 

REDACTED

Textual Criticism Is Alive and Well and Living in Hollywood

 

THE GOLDEN COMPASS

Wherever better school supplies are sold.

(Alt:  You should see our ruler…)

 

THE WALKER

Old Girls

New Escorts

 

I AM LEGEND

He’s the last man Alive

And he still can’t get laid!

 

THE KITE RUNNER

Grab life by the tail.

 

SWEENEY TODD

If one more client requests a perm

(Alt:  Want to buy a pie?)

 

WALK HARD

& Carry a big noodle…

 

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM

The revenge of Lou Dobbs

 

I’M NOT THERE

(And neither is the audience)

 

CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR

Another Texan,

Another invasion

Another quagmire

 

THE WATER HORSE

(Sea Monkeys Not Included.)

 

RAMBO

He’s white,

He’s old,

He’s angry

& He’s back.

 

BEE MOVIE

It’s got buzz

& legs

 

2008

QUANTUM OF SOLACE

On Her Majesty’s Zoloft

[alt: Bond Loves; Bond Loses; Bond Emotes]

 

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

Youth is wasted on the young.

[alt:  Old Age is no place for babies.]

 

MARLEY AND ME

You’ll Laugh; you’ll cry; you’ll wet the carpet.

 

FROST / NIXON

An epic battle to spin the truth

[alt: Before Couric/ Palin

There was…..]

 

alt #2:  Politics /  Personality / History / Infotainment]

 

DEFIANCE

Save Soviet Jews

Collect ‘em

And trade ‘em with a Friend

 

THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PYJAMAS

Save Soviet Jews

Collect em

And trade ‘em with a friend.

[alt:  Don’t let kids/ have kids.]

 

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Michael Rennie was ill…

[alt #2: Flash Gordon was there

In Silver underwear;

 

alt: #3  When Worlds Collide

Said George Powell to his Bride

I’m gonna give you some terrible thrills…

 

alt:  #4  Science Fiction / Double Feature]

 

YES MAN

One word

Can open

A can of whoop-ass

 

[Alt: His eyes are blue

His nose is brown. ]

 

GRAN TORINO

What if Fiat made a car and called it the Big Detroit.

 

AUSTRALIA

A daring Aristocrat

A World at War

A 2000 Mile Walkabout

 

BOLT

A hero is house trained.

 

MILK

Nothing goes down better with a Twinkie.

[alt: The Twinkie Made me do it

[alt #2  Lactose intolerance]

 

 

THE READER

Before IM’ing

Before Paging

Before Texting

Before Twittering

There were books

This is a story of those who booked.

 

SEVEN POUNDS

They’re the hardest ones to lose

[alt: Seven Days,

Seven resolutions

Seven excuses

 

alt: #2  Seven Days,

Seven Diets;

Seven Lies

 

CHANGELING

Who moved my child?

 

 

BROTHERS BLOOM

The Con Is On.

[alt: #1 Meet the Most Confident Men

In the Business

Alt: #2 Specializing

In the Art of confidence

Alt #3  In the World of Fakes

They’re the real thing.

 

Alt #4 Even Confidence men

Have doubts.

Alt: #5 Deception Daily]

 

 

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

[alts # 1-12:   Insurgent Avenue

Insurrection Row

Coup D’Etat Court

Junta Highway

Putsch Parkway

Terrorist Terrace

Factious Freeway

Anarchist Alley

Mutiny Mews

Radical Route

Avante-garde boulevard

Leftist Lane]

 

ROLE MODEL

Mental Mentors

[Alt: Alternate sentencing

Is not working. ]

 

THE WRESTLER

Randy the Ram

Vs.  The Ayatollah

Smack Down

Grudge Match

Documentary

 

NOTORIOUS

Adventurous man of the world!

Notorious Woman of many Desires!

Fateful Fascination! Bold Intrigue!

Deep their love! Great the risk!

Electric Tension!

The screen’s top romantic stars in a melodramatic masterpiece!

* (original taglines from the 1950 Classic)

 

 

BEDTIME STORIES

Once Upon a Time

Adam Sandler Made Comedies.

[alt: Inspired by Madonna]

 

DOUBT

Who would believe such a thing.

 

CHE

Sera, Sera

[alt:  The Man, the Movement, the Poster (t-shirt)]

 

2010

Holiday Films Tagline Rejects

BURLESQUE

Thanks

Spanx™

This stage

Isn’t big enough

For both of them

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

School’s

Out

Forever!

The Gravy Train

Nears the Station

Life Sucks

And then you leave Hogwarts

THE KING’S SPEECH

A true story

Of a royal impediment

Stutter

Stammer

Stumble

Sputter

Splutter

Squeak

FASTER

Never Say Diet

God wants you

To lose weight

LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS

O.D.

Can you really afford

Rehab?

TANGLED

It’s a Weave

They’re extensions

BLACK SWAN

Don’t feed the birds

Tutu much

I LOVE YOU PHILIP MORRIS

No ifs

Ands

Or butts.

A match made in prison

CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER

This time

They’re really out to sea.

It’s good to be the kings

THE COMPANY MEN

The Wages of Sin

Paid Weekly

I’m with Dilbert

THE TEMPEST

When it rains

It pours.

Shakespeare

On the Beach

FRANKIE AND ALICE

She’s mental

For the Academy

Oscar Bait

HOW DO YOU KNOW

 Ask Jeeves ™

Google™ it.

RABBIT HOLE

Crawl in

Going down

Ass over elbows

TRON LEGACY

He was hoping

For cash

In the beginning

Was Pong.

Enter the game

The game enters you.

YOGI BEAR

Please don’t feed the bears

Welcome to Jellystone

Hold on to your hamper.

LITTLE FOCKERS

 What’s the matter with kids today?

Another generation

Another suggestive homophone

GULLIVERS TRAVELS

See the world

Beneath your feet

As if you needed

Another reason

To stay home

TRUE GRIT

You know it

When you feel it.

Real as dirt.

Corn

Not Wheat.

THE WAY BACK

No crumbs

No money

No welcome

Behind the beyond.

Pass the middle back

And keep going.

 BLUE VALENTINE

 Your reservation’s lost

The babysitter’s ill

Someone forgot

To get a card

Dandelions

Dove Bars

And Drive Through.

 THE NUTCRACKER IN 3D

Dance belt sold separately.

Leap higher

 MEGAMIND

Big head

Big brain

Big trouble

It’s not the shape of the skull

But the size of the brain

 MORNING GLORY

Rise with the sun.

Wake with a smile

Sleep hard

Wake easy

FOR COLORED GIRLS

 In 3D Synesthesia

In 20 fashion hues

THE TOURIST

No Fluency

No Vacancy

No Currency

Porn scans

Genital touching–

It’s no vacation

DUE DATE

Infanticipating

A road trip

For babies

 

Creative Commons License
movietrailers101 by Fred Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>